It could be a better day

Things at work are going off the tracks but somehow I am unfazed by it. This blogging actual seems to be helping me. Some thoughts on good days and bad days. There are times when I seem completely unable to accomplish the most trivial task and I sit almost frozen in my chair, The To-Do pile looming nearby and growing larger as I wait. What is that all about? I know I have to do it but somehow I disconnect and do nothing, which of course just adds to the feeling of uselessness and despair. Despair seems like a strong word but what else would you call it? I tend to care so little about myself at that time that I even give up good grooming and often will not shower or shave for no apparent reason. How difficult that is for my family as dad kind of looks like a bum and feels like one too. I always feel better when I get cleaned up but still don't know what stops me from doing it.

And on we go

Just so many thoughts running through my head now that I have started this. First, will I really continue or is this just something else I will start with enthusiasm and end with lack of commitment and the utter feeling of having let people down, again. Also, I have been thinking about things that are hard to accept when the depression really strikes especially trite expressions such as "Let go and let God" or "What have you got to be sad about, look at your beautiful ( fill in the blank: wife, family, kids, dog, house, cars, whatever)" Of course, the people sharing these comments are usually friends or family members who do not suffer and have no understanding of how ridiculous that all sounds. I think the ultimate was being told by a family member to "Just suck it up!". In light of the above, I will try my best not to pass on any similar sayings but to just pass on things that may have helped me recently such as a certain scripture. Now, sometimes that even comes across as trite when perhaps somebody gives you a list of "anti-depression" scriptures designed to fix you and move you on your way. These people are well meaning but just do not have the experience of being who you are right now at this time. Now, I am the first to believe in the power of Gods' Holy Word but I believe that the timing is His and the mere reading of scriptures for a quick fix is not the same as being moved by the Spirit towards a certain passage. Enough said on that. The sun is shining again today and I hope to get my face out into it for a little while. I find that sunshine, literally on my face, can really change things for me that day. If you have not experienced that, I urge you to give it a try. It might be the vitamin D our body needs or it just might feel really good. If you are office bound during the day, try to get out for a short break or at least step out during lunch and point your face towards the sun and soak it in. Walking in the sunshine is even better as I know when I physically do stuff that also helps.

First Day Continued

I realized there was not much to chew on here and decided to add some more stuff. The truth about my depression is that it is often unpredictable and what had no effect on me one day sends me spiraling downward the next. I have to be careful that I remember to always take my medication because the effects can sneak up on me and the ones who are harmed the most are my family. You know you have done it again when you see the hurt feeling in their eyes and you have no answer for your senseless behavior. How often do we struggle with an answer when someone says what did you do today? I bite my lip when people ask "How are you doing?" and the last thing they want to know is, "How are you doing?". I quietly slide on the mask of Christian contentment and merely say "Fine, and you?". The deceit of ourselves and others is probably most troubling because it eventually causes the most havoc in my life. Often what strikes me is that during a conversation I am disconnected and don't really pay attention. After being asked about my kids or wife, I rarely remember to ask about the other person's life. How often do people walk away after talking with me and wonder if I heard a single word they were saying? How ridiculous is it that I will sometimes blowup at people over the most mundane and trivial things but when things have true meaning or importance I shut down and run away from the risk of decision making or responsibility. I had better stop there for today before I run on incoherently for hours (instead of just the few minutes so far!).

The First Day

Good morning world. The sun is starting to shine bright and taking the chill off of the morning here. I hope that it will also warm up my day. It has been a great weekend with my niece's wedding and all of my kids being home. I am definitely on an upswing and enjoying life right now. How are you handling today? My prayer today is that this blog will be of use to someone somewhere. Since I have never done this before please have patience with me as this thing evolves, hopefully with plenty of input from others. If you are alone in your depression I urge you to share the truth with at least one other person to start the process of healing. If you just know someone who is suffering then perhaps you can send them to this blog as a chance to start something new.