Her we go again

Today was so much like yesterday it was scary. Right around noon I was overwhelmed with gloom and was having great difficulty shaking it. I became overheated and just wanted to go hide somewhere and sleep. Fortunately, it was a brisk day outside and I just disappeared for a little while and walked around in the breeze trying to get up the courage to get back in to work. Finally, I went back in and just pushed through to get some stuff done. On the way home I was trying to understand what is going on and I wondered if perhaps my meds just start wearing off too soon. I will have to try to pay close attention to cause and effect to try to help myself be better more consistently.

Watching after ourselves

Today was interesting, good start, strange middle, strong finish. I was having a reasonably productive day and then all of a sudden I went into doubt and slowdown. The demons were dancing in my head and I was getting sucked into it. I started to come up with excuses as to why I couldn't possibly do any more and how the rest of the day was pretty much shot. And then I realized what was happening and tried to stop the madness. I set a very small goal for myself, accomplished it to my surprise and then moved on to another task and before I knew it I forgot that "the day was shot" and moved on to bigger and better things eventually having gotten more done than I had ever anticipated. The moral for me was that I need to be ever vigilant about my own mental health. I have to pay attention to the small signs of things going south and identify them for what they are, lies. Lies that derail us from productive, healthy lives. I finished the day at the gym and that really felt good, exercise has really been helpful for my attitude.

Learning to say no

One of the problems that I have is not saying no when asked to do stuff. As a result I often end up over committed, leaving things undone or not done well. This often feeds the depression because I feel like I've let people down again and then get overwhelmed with that feeling of worthlessness which causes me to retreat even more and accomplish even less and feel even worse. Today I think I did one of the healthiest things I have done in a long time. I said no. Rather than commit to one more thing I really was trying to listen to God as to my purpose in this thing. He gave me the peace to just say no and not be upset about disappointing others. I still have plenty to do and maybe I will even get some of it done. I have to remember that just because something is good it does not mean it is something that God wants me to do.

Some we have to do what God asks

Yesterday was interesting. I had been asked earlier in the week to do a "witness moment" which we do occasionally during church service. During the week I was coming up with some great thoughts and I was sure that I had this thing nailed. Then I woke up Sunday morning with a sick feeling in my gut that said I needed to share my depression with the congregation. Yikes, come on God you have got to be kidding! After the service several people came up to me to share that they also were "silent sufferers" and appreciated my bringing it out into the open. It is becoming so much easier to do this and I am feeling so much better because of it. There really is safety in numbers. Today I was encouraged to touch base by phone with a couple of other guys who suffer too, and it really felt good to be looking outside of myself to others. The great sunshine didn't hurt either.

What's the deal on counseling?

One thing that I have not spoken about is counseling, Christian or otherwise. I know that people speak about the benefits but I have never gone. It is weird but somehow I feel like it is the last thing that stands between me and fully admitting that I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression. I need to repeat it and know that it is okay. Maybe this is time to finally make the step that my wife has been asking me to do for way too long now. I suffer from depression. I said it again and it is okay. Anybody go to counseling? What do you do, just walk in and say "Hi, I'm Paul, I suffer from depression, nice couch, what's your name?"? I suffer from depression. At least I can say it here and be okay. It's time to make the next step, thanks for listening.

From small to explosive in a moment

The day started off like so many, small problems wanting to become full blown impossibilities. I fought the desire to get enraged over a slow car in front of me and the fact that I was running late because I just lost all focus for awhile until it was ten minutes later and I was just standing there. Being upset with myself just seems to run into trying to find fault with others to divert the truth from me. I appreciated the weather again today and the gentle nudge from my wife actually got me to rake part of the lawn and feel good about it. We have joined Planet Fitness and are using the times that my daughter goes to dance as windows of opportunity to workout. The result is that I am feeling better, losing weight and sleeping better. If we can keep it up I may be on to something! So far I have even lost 7 pounds and that was something I really needed to address. Turning 50 needs to be an incentive as opposed to even more depressing.

Feeling healthier

Lately I am feeling much better with fewer lost moments. The things that have changed recently include; much more exercise, some great sunny days and taking better care of my diet. How each of them effects me is not always clear but right now I do not want to change anything. I am sleeping better as a result which always makes me feel better. I even showered because I wanted to! Those around me must be enjoying me more as a result. Or at least they do not have to stand back as much. What on earth drives us to do the things that we do, when it is so clear what the impact is to our lives. Each negative behavior spawns another and the spiral begins, feeding itself on our doubts and increasing self loathing. I just started reading a book "A Hike for Mike" about depression awareness and will report in when I have finished it. A good Christian sister gave it to me and really presented it with love. I am hopeful to glean some good stuff from it. I think the more we stretch ourselves to learn during the good times the easier it may be to make it through to tough times.

Some inspiration?

When I think of what God has done for me all through my life I wonder how I can be depressed. But that does not make my depression any less real. I need to refrain from judging myself too harshly because that only makes things worse. I know that God is real and has shown Himself to me in so many different ways and times and I can take comfort in that. Christian friends can be such a blessing, especially when they are just there for you without any agenda. Being there for someone else helps because it always improves how I am feeling about myself.

Hits and misses

Sorry about the last two days, very busy and tired. I have heard from several of you guys about problems with commenting on the blog site. I don't know what the problem is but sometimes I am not able to post a follow up comment either. If any of you are techno geeks who could unravel this mystery it would be greatly appreciated. Sending me an e-mail instead is always appropriate also. With that said, I would love to have anyone send out any other ideas, questions or comments. I appreciate the comments about foods that we eat and how they affect us mentally. There is so much crap in our food that interactions are always possible. Whenever I can, I try to cook using raw or frozen foods that have been minimally processed, I just do not pay enough attention to really see how things tie together. as it relates to my depression. Today's sunshine was wonderful and I kept trying to get out into it. Pray for others who are suffering, especially those who suffer alone.

Food, that should get your attention!

Food can be good and good for you! I wonder some times how much my diet effects the way I feel. It seems like the better I eat, the better I feel and the better I feel the more I feel like doing something and the more active I am the more positive I feel. Whew! Eating well is not that hard but if you are like me food is about so much more than nourishment. I often turn to food when I am depressed and then make poor choices that leave me feeling guilty and still unsatisfied. Meanwhile I have emptied the pantry. When I look for comfort in food instead of people I almost always end up still wanting something more.

Partnering

Events of recent days for me are just pointing to the importance of partnering. Without some people around us it is easy to get lost and not seek help. We need to give some people permission to ask the tough questions about how we are really feeling and the like. Now that I have started this blog it has become much easier to talk to other people about my depression. When things don't look well for me I can tell one of you guys and you won't try to fix it but you will understand. Sometimes well meaning people want to talk you out of your funk and give you all the reasons why you should be happy and I know that that usually just causes me to shut down more. It is not just a matter of being happy instead of sad, it is so deep and troubling that I often struggle to figure out why I am feeling the way I am. Because of the people that I have shared my depression with, I now feel that I don't have to explain things all of the time but I can say "Today is a bad day" and they know enough just to be there. Many of you are that person for me because you are fellow sufferers and realize how I am feeling and why it is so hard to express. If you are reading this and you do not have somebody to open up to and share this with then I suggest that you try to find someone that you can first tell that you suffer from depression so that they can begin to understand and then let them know that they can check up on you at any time to see if things are manageable. When we allow others in it broadens our safety net, giving us the chance for recovery before we go to far down.

One fine day

Today was good. Back on my meds and feeling the difference. Better thoughts and clearer thinking. I was wondering about a bad habit I have and whether or not this happens to any one else. I have long been a nail-biter but it seems like it has progressed into hand eating. When stress is up or I am off of my drugs I chew my cuticles off and literally tear away pieces until I bleed. This cannot be normal and I was just wondering if it was common or just another freak show attribute I have. Half of the time I don't even know that I am doing it.

More about meds

First I have to say thanks to the guys who spoke to me today to encourage me about taking care of my meds. I have them now along with a great sense of relief. If you go off your drugs you really do not know what the consequences might be. It is not worth it. What amazes me is how quickly the symptoms can come on once you stop. Headaches and irritability are quick to show up for me and the possibility of spiraling out of control is very real. In the past there were times when I thought I was ready to stop taking my pills and each time it met with very bad results. One time it was close to six months and my family was in a constant state of concern and fear because dad was out of control. Ah, yes, building memories! I sometimes wonder what they talk about when I am not around. It is probably interesting to say the least.

Meds, beds and dreads

My one prescription was running out last week and after using the auto-fill on the phone I find out that there were no refills left and then I promptly forgot and then by Saturday I had run out completely. Leaving before 8 am yesterday left no time to get it filled and now I am suffering headaches and some wonderful anxiety and edginess because of it. I barely slept last night because of it and now I wonder what tonight will bring. By the time we got back today it was too late to get a hold of the Dr. so here we go again. When will I learn to take care of the important things so that the other things will take care of themselves. I'm just hoping I don't melt down on my family before I get this taken care of. Meanwhile, the days spent in the city with my wife were wonderful because she is so special and understanding. Hold tight to the ones who will love you and try not to make it too hard on them.

It's dark out but the sun is coming

It is an easy metaphor today as I sit in the pre-dawn typing this. Just a touch of light beginning to show. The sun will come and the darkness will fade away. How many times do I forget that reality? Almost like a little kid scared of the monsters at night, I can be gripped by the fear of the unknown while the goodness of the known is veiled in the darkness of my depression. I only get better when I do something, anything, to get going, to overcome the frozen moments brought on by the fear. Today we head to the city and there is so much potential for a good time I just pray that I don't screw it up. Get up and do something, start by moving forward or contacting someone to say it is a tough day and let them help you get started. Doing this right now is getting me excited about the possibilities of this day!

Dreary days dreary thoughts

A misty, rainy, drizzly day with no hope for sunshine. It is the perfect recipe for a down day. Two phone calls from others and I was encouraging them instead of focusing on myself and it made all of the difference. It just shows me that doing things for others helps us as we shift from an inward concentration to an outward one. Got home to a happy dog and two beautiful women who seemed to sense that I was in a funny place and they just loved me. Have you reached out to someone else lately? Maybe they need to feel useful today.

To sleep perchance to dream. Ah there's the rub!

Sometimes everything is too big and seems endless. During those times I will often succumb to a case of unavoidable exhaustion. That is where the sleep comes in, I don't know if it is because I have not been sleeping or if I am just sleeping to get away from everything. The most frustrating part about it is it then brings an enormous load of guilt with it. Either I have fallen asleep at work and the piles have just gotten larger or the home projects or family concerns have been set aside because "daddy's tired". What a joke! Tired from doing nothing and trying to figure out how to make it look like I accomplished even the most minor task. Frustration, guilt, exhaustion, frustration, guilt, exhaustion a sometimes seemingly endless cycle occasionally broken by a "good" day. Whatever that is anymore. Talked with a friend (follower) today and that was a great boost. His feedback is caring me through this posting right now. I will continue and I will get better.

All is not always as it appears

Beautiful day today. After the crummy start it was a classic fall day with plenty of sunshine, colors and a great breeze that should have made everything seem alive. Somehow, it did nothing for me and it was a torturous struggle most of the day. Even stopped on the way home to try to get some exercise and sun by climbing Burger Hill in Rhinebeck and it all just kind of seemed surreal, as if I was just watching someone else. The views were fantastic, I suppose, but everything seemed to be veiled and dull to me. As hard as I was trying, I just did not break through. Melancholy is the only word that fits how I feel right now and the worst part is there does not seem to be any trigger for it.

The darkest secret

I have been struggling since starting this blog with how to deal with what I call "The Darkest Secret". Only after talking with "one of us" today did I finally get the courage to put this in print. You know what I am going to say but I have to say it anyway, like so many of you, I have had moments when I thought the only good answer to life was to end it. There, I have said it. Again, this is a case of understanding that I do not think that it is a good idea or even something that I currently consider. I do however remember the calmness with which I had contemplated it. Please understand that it is "NOT AN OPTION", but do not think that you are alone for having had the thought. One purpose of this blog is to shed some light into some very dark places and they don't get much darker than this. Not being alone in this will help keep these thoughts away. Connect with someone who cares and do not let go!

The bottom looks familiar

It did not take long for today to start to crash and burn. Frustrated by my lack of decision making I started to retreat and spiral downward. Trying to avoid confrontation just had me bottling it up and shutting down, Fortunately, I could sense what was happening and forced myself to try to move forward. Thinking of yesterday seemed to help and before you know it I was bordering on productive. I guess what is so hard to manage is the anger that just seems to ride under the surface, waiting for an opening to show its' ugly head. I wonder sometimes how people put up with me when I am like that. Walked the dog and played with her when I got home and that was good. Beautiful sunshine again helped. Things seem okay now.

Meeting with others

Sorry about yesterday, way too busy. Today was a great example of how meeting with others who suffer has great benefits. I was at a wonderful event where several other guys that are dealing with depression were. Getting to talk with them on really informal terms was great, since we all knew each others "secret" we didn't have to beat around the bush but got right into checking in with each other. There is so much freedom in knowing that you are not alone. No hemming and hawing. To each of you that I saw today, thanks for being so open about speaking and keeping me updated. This was a lesson for me to be proactive about getting some face time with you guys because it makes such a difference in my attitude. One guy shared about being upset with himself for getting there late because today was a real struggle to get anything going. But I say, GREAT JOB for not letting a poor start determine your day. I was blessed because you made it! We have to grab the small victories and see them for what they are, successes. Any move forward is forward motion! All this to say, if you are alone in your depression try to reach out to somebody. We are not weird or quirky or odd, we are sick and people who are sick need to find some help and that starts with sharing your struggle with someone. It might be a Dr. or family member or friend but it needs to be somebody.

Where does God fit in?

Bear with me today since this is the first time I have tried cutting and pasting something in. A good friend and fellow believer has been sending me various devotional messages almost weekly for years now and he happened to send one this morning. I found it fitting for this blog, but you can let me know. For me, one of the greatest struggles I have with depression is understanding God's part in it. But we are not called to understand but to be understanding. Is it good that I suffer from depression? Of course not! Can God bring good out of this misery? Of course! I am challenged to see how I can be an instrument of God when I don't think that I have anything to offer. I know, we all have something to offer, but remember depression is not about truth but about our distorted perception of truth and our own value as a person. When we are down it is extremely difficult to see anything redeemable about ourselves. Today I'm okay but a little melancholy and don't really know why. I'll take the beagles for a run now and see if that improves things.



The Secret Things

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE

"The secret things belong unto the Lord our God……"
(Deuteronomy 29:29, AMP)

TODAY'S WORD

Are you going through a situation in your life that you don't quite understand? During these seasons, it's natural to question things in your mind. But during these uncertain times, it's important to continue to put your trust in God.

We have to remember, God's ways are not our ways, and we don't always understand what He is trying to do in our lives. The Bible tells us that adversity will come, but God is the one who promises to lead us into victory.

Serving God means we're going to have some unanswered questions. You may never understand why a relationship ended sooner than you would have liked. You may never understand why you lost a loved one. You may never understand why you went through something difficult or why your prayers didn't get answered. But at some point, you have to decide to put your questions aside and go on with God. We have to decide to trust His character even when our circumstances don't make sense. Remember, He has promised He's going to turn that difficulty around and use it for your advantage. He is faithful to His Word, and you can be sure that He will fulfill every promise He's made to you.

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

"Father God, I choose to trust You with my unanswered questions. I choose to release any doubt and confusion to You. Help me to focus on Your Word which is truth that sets me free. Thank You for Your goodness and for the blessings You have in store for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

How alone are you?

As I write today, I am feeling like I should re-emphasize the need to find somebody to share your reality with. Depression triumphs when it separates us from people, especially family and other loved ones. I have moved forward recently I think mainly because I have shared with other sufferers and there is so much comfort being able to just say to them "Today is a bad day" and they don't ask questions, they just understand. If you are struggling to let someone else know, perhaps you could start by sharing it here. I don't know who you are and you can keep it that way if you want. Last night I spoke with a dear friend who is also a sufferer and just being with him lifted my spirits. I spoke to him about doing this blog because I was looking for input from him and he is one of the main reasons I started doing this because of his comforting influence as a Christian brother. So far I have accomplished some things today and it feels great. The paperwork pile is a little smaller and not quite as daunting. I also just took Rosie and Ruby (aka the beagles) for a run in the sunshine and it felt great to be out and active. It was only about 10 minutes but it has made a great difference already.