Hectic times

Scrambling for work and trying to get things done around here has not left a lot of time for blogging. From a depression stand point I am feeling pretty good. Keeping my head up and forging ahead with everything. Have not had a "down" day in weeks, Praise God.

I really enjoyed the snow today and hope that there is still plenty to come. The dog is exhausted from playing with it and in it all day.

Chiles and Chocolate!

Watching Iron Chef on tv and the secret ingredients are chiles and chocolate. Just making me think of life and how we approach it. Do we go for the spicy and sweet things or just keep it plain and simple (safe?)? Are we so bogged down with fear that we don't do anything?

Get out and bite a little chile today and see what happens. We have to engage life to learn to function in it. Our safe places really are not very safe because they harm us greatly with their false promises of peace only to haunt us with doubts.

Felt like singing today.

Of all things, today I kept getting praise songs in my head and what a blessing they were. I am working at a college right now so just bursting out in song at the top of my lungs really was not an appropriate response. But since when have I been appropriate?

This joy overflowing is so wonderful to experience. Things (circumstances), really are not any different, I just am.

Quite coincidentally(HA HA) we just started a new bible study of the book of Phillipians which is all about the apostle Pauls' joy in all circumstances (prison, beatings, shipwreaks, etc.). Imagine that. Take a look at it, it really is amazing.

Continuity brings peace

Things continue to go well in spite of the outside influences. I have been able to keep up the momentum while work and other issues try to bring me down.

Counseling is a highlight as my wife and I shared another session tonight. We have both been battered by my depression and the fallout of years of living under the weight of it. There is great encouragement in the results so far and we look forward to more progress.

Are you looking forward to tomorrow or dreading it? There is so much to gain by moving forward. God really has a good plan for us and we need to reach for it. Speak to someone you trust, it could be a great first step toward the health you deserve.

Busy being busy

Been very busy of late renovating our master bedroom. A lot of work but it will be so worth it. I have been at it most evenings after work so blogging has slipped away.

I have to say that things continue well and I have energy and initiative that has been absent for so long. The person I was pre-depression seems to be reemerging and I am very excited!

I continue with my weekly counseling and this week I invited my wife to go with me. It turned out to be a great decision. After some initial nervousness, things went really well and I look forward to sharing some of the time with her there. My counselor is such a gentle soul that it is easy to relax and get into it. If you seek counseling you must find someone that you can relate to and be comfortable with. The emotional cost of investing in counseling is paid back with dividends if you find a good fit.

Carry on, Carry on

My last post was dealing with whether or not I should continue on with this blog since I am feeling so much better. Well God has a sense of humor and very good timing.

Several of you commented either here or by separate e-mail to encourage me, which was great. At the same time, I received an MYP (my HMO) newsletter in the mail. Since I am being treated through them, they have a customized depression newsletter they send out and guess what the topic was this time. "Can I stop treatment now that I am feeling well?" Weird, right? The answer of course is "no you can't stop treatment just because you feel better". Long story, longer, this just pointed me back to this blog and how it has helped me through the last few months and hopefully it helped a few others also.

I still need to be diligent about my meds and keeping in touch with my doctor and going to counseling and connecting with all of you, my friends and fellow sufferers and watching my diet and getting exercise and fresh air and sunshine and trying to focus on looking outward by helping others etc. etc.

Some of you may be saying at this point, "Maybe we should have encouraged him to shut this down and go away", because I'm just rambling on and on. Be careful what you ask for. See you again soon.

Do I keep going?

I am in a bit of a quandary. For the last several weeks I have really been feeling good and not having any down days. I have been experiencing real emotions, sadness and joy and a sense of being in touch with reality like I have not had in a very long time.

In one sense it is wonderful and in another it is strange. I almost feel like I am no longer qualified to write this blog because I am somewhat disconnected from the depression and can hardly imagine how bad I was, even though I know the truth of how I was feeling.

Lately, I have even wondered if there is anybody out there. Am I doing anybody any good or just rambling for my own sake?

Hanging in there

Things were good this weekend at the Youth for Christ convention. It's just amazing to see 1500 teenagers worshiping together and their parents didn't even drag them there.

Went to counseling tonight which was so well timed. There are so many issues still to deal with and I am very encouraged by the feedback. Sometimes it can be overwhelming but the promise of a weekly pressure relief is very helpful.

Youth for Christ tomorrow!

Youth for Christ is a wonderful Christian convention for teens held each year in Saratoga Springs, NY. My wife and I will be chaperoning again this year with our daughter also attending. Each year I am amazed by the great teens and the opportunity to meet and work with them. We are there until late Monday so this will be my last post until then.

Counseling was wonderful again this week and I seem to be really doing better. The words of hope that he spoke to me are ringing true. I feel so much like my old self, pre-depresion and keep waiting to see if it will stick.

Did I mention that I have been thinking about going to counseling for at least three years and now I am kicking myself for having waiting so long. I highly recommend it to all of you. I think my reluctance stemmed from the thought that if I went to counseling it was the final obstacle between me and actually declaring myself to be in depression. It doesn't make any sense but that was the way it was.

Good Day, Let someone else do it!

Part of the struggle with depression is the feeling of being overwhelmed by responsibilities. We
get into the place where even though we can not get things accomplished we do not seek help to alleviate the pressure.

A year ago I started the renovation (which really means attempting to finally complete our bedroom including finished floors and heat after only 20+yrs) of our master bedroom suite (sounds cool when you say it that way) but got derailed by spring coming and the need to try to complete the staining of our house. The constant rain of this past summer derailed the staining so that is not complete yet either. Well now it is winter again and I should be working on the bedroom. Work is so hectic right now I hardly have any energy or inspiration to start up again but I really owe it to my wife to finish this and finish it right. This is where letting someone else help comes in.

Today I had a good friend, who is an extremely underemployed carpenter, come over and we reviewed the project. With construction being at a standstill many materials are at their lowest prices in many years. Thanks to careful finances and a frugal lifestyle we have enough savings to not have to use credit for this work. At the same time we are helping someone else who could really use the work. The point here is that sometimes we have to recognize that there is a time and place for allowing others to help us with our "to do" list. It really doesn't matter if it is work related or stuff in other areas of our lives, we need to allow others to help when they can.

For me, it is often pride that is the real problem. Afraid that people will think less of me or be disappointed in me, I often hoard my responsibilities so that I will get the credit if and when I finally get them accomplished. Part of healing and moving forward is to let go of these things and today was a great day because I gave it up. Now, you must understand that I know this mans' work and I would be far from embarrassed to have my home worked on by him. This is all the more reason why I should have given this up sooner.

Do yourself a favor and open the door for others to share your burdens, they probably need help with something also. We need to be we not me in order to make it through this life.

I'm hanging in there

The past few days have been very hectic, preventing me from blogging, but they have been good days. After Tuesdays' counseling session I was wondering how long the glow would last. I am happy to report that I still feel good although there were moments when I may have been less than pleased but I did not let them capture my joy.

The determination to see what God has to offer as opposed to being defeatist is really helping.

The enlightening thing that about my counseling session was the concept (new to me) that as Christians we are heirs to two divergent legacies. The first, is the thought that as chidren of God we have the amazing inheritance of grace. As such, we can claim our place of blessing. The second, is the understanding that we are still heirs to earthly illnesses and genetic predispositions. Depression is one such illness that plagues fallen man. The hope comes from the fact that we are no less Christian because of an illness. Our spiritual wellness is not related to our physical wellness and while God may choose to heal us from anything, our lack of healing is not indicative of our faith.

This was a lightening bolt moment for me as I began the process of giving myself some slack and not beating myself up about being depressed as a Christian. If the past three days are any indication, this is a great path to be on.

Counseling again!

Interesting day today. Things have been real hectic and overwhelming at work lately and this morning was no exception. I was starting to freeze up and lose focus when I thought about how a guy that I have spoken with regularly as we share our depression would understand what I was feeling and just the sense of knowing that seemed to turn me around and things improved.

Tonight I went to my second counseling session and what a blessing! I have chosen a Christian counselor and it has been a wise choice. I came away so encouraged and uplifted.

Lost in space

Where have I been? Busy schedule has kept me away from the keyboard, sorry about that. Did some good family stuff, a couple of get-togethers with friends, hanging out, snow tubing etc. Trying to get into the new year on a positive note. Started some very minor anti-hoarding work (threw a couple of things out) but I really am intent on moving forward with this. I look around and see the obstacles to life progress everywhere.

Tomorrow back to work and keeping that in balance hopefully. Some parts of that are a little overwhelming right now with some serious deadlines looming in the not too distant future. Right now I find myself at the mercy of others and their inclination to get things done. I'll see how things look in the morning. Sunshine does not look promising at least for the start of the day.

Frustration in one arena of life spilling over to others is always a challenge. How do we keep things separate?