Just get rid of it!

Talking today with a fellow sufferer and got onto the hoarding aspect again. He has been struggling with hoarding and how it stifles his life. The shear volume of stuff prevents us from getting things done or feeling good about ourselves.

The good news is, we had talked a few weeks ago about the problem and how to even start when it all seems so daunting and we agreed that very small goals need to be set in order to guarantee early success. Well today he shared how he has already eliminated an entire vans' worth of stuff he really can live without! More work to do but forward motion that started with one item is now encouraging him to fill another van.

What has all this really got to do with depression? Well, think about it, we sit around burdened by our mental stuff, unable to move or act in a positive fashion because we see no way forward past the piles of crap in our heads. Frozen by insecurity and doubt we default to inaction keeping us from failing, or so we think. In truth, it secures our failure while adding to the burdens already accumulated from the past.

Today I almost let myself get overwhelmed by work, convincing myself that there was not time to complete a task but fortunately I literally talked myself into restarting and ended up going home with a great feeling of accomplishment. We really need to just keep trying.

DO NOT OPEN COMMENT FROM LAST POST!

Please do not click on the Asian characters on the most recent comment, they are a porn link!!!!!

I do not know how to delete them yet, if anyone knows how please share it with me.


On to this new post. I went to a wake for the father of a friend tonight. WWII vet, ardent Catholic, amateur St. Patrick historian, beloved father and grandfather. Recently he met his saviour and all is well now. Do you know Him? I cannot imagine going through this life without a relationship with Christ. Time and again I have turned to Him for comfort and solace.

Do the people you love know about Him?

Get up and get out!

After several days of doing very little and eating way too much I was starting to feel lethargic and uninspired. On top of it I was sleeping poorly at night and starting to just "be there".

Today was continuing the trend and I really just wanted to sleep. After a big, late breakfast I thought we would just hang out and do nothing. Instead we made plans to go to a movie and off we went for an afternoon snooze. The snooze didn't work out and afterward we went home, got the dog and went for a walk over the Hudson railroad bridge. What a great change. The sun was out and there was enough breeze to keep anybody awake. The effect of action cannot be overstated. To feel better get going, to stay better keep going!

Making it to the next day.

Just got off the phone with a good friend who has suffered the loss of his father this week. Trying to share hope with him about his dad and also his own future. He told me of how he and his dad were very close and that the last ten years have been very meaningful. In the midst of the pain of loss he knows that he is blessed.

Do you wonder sometimes about your relationships and how they are faring? Are there family members with whom you are estranged? Perhaps God is calling you to be in prayer about them. I know that for me I often think that there is time to straighten things out, later. But the reality is, later may never come and the opportunities that are presented are not limitless. We should be proactive in this regard, setting aside pettiness and bitter memories.

The beginning should be wrapped in prayer to see His will for the matter. Perhaps we are the injured one and have offered forgiveness in the past only to have it trampled upon and tossed away and that is very painful Or maybe we deal with the separation by just blocking it out and pretending that other person doesn't even exist. That will give us some peace for awhile but the truth is still inside us and it rears it's ugly head at some of the least desirable times, bringing fresh pain and doubt.

I will be praying about and for my brother, with whom I currently share a broken relationship, hoping that God will give me some new insight and perhaps direction to follow in that regard.

If you can, be sure to reach out to those around you who love and care for you and be sure to let them know about your feelings for them.

Merry Christ Mass Everyone

Here's hoping everyone has a blessed Christmas. I have been in a good place lately, starting with everyone being home by Wednesday night. I absolutely love it when they are all here.

Counseling doesn't even hurt

Well I did it. Tonight was my first session and it went really well. For those of you who have not gone, let me encourage you to seriously consider it.

Things were just calm and easy, not nearly as stressful as I expected. Thanks to all who prayed and prodded along the way. I have even set up my next appointment for the first week of January.

The thing that felt good was a different perspective on some issues that I have been working against for years. Also the input on my medications and also some of my symptoms that can be aired differently in this setting.

Look out counseling, here I come

Tomorrow is the big day as I give counseling a shot. Please pray for me that I am open to the experience and willing to see what God has in it for me. 3 pm that's the time, you go on your knees, I'll go on the couch.
It feels kind of strange because lately I have been feeling pretty good and wonder if I need to go at all. Of course that is part of the problem, when we feel good we don't take care of ourselves and when we feel bad, we can't. It's kind of like eating well all of the time, not just when we are sick.

Hunkering down for the storm

I've spent the day in anticipation of the big storm that is supposed to be coming. Getting out to the store to pick up groceries with about ten thousand other people. It's now almost 11pm and we have not seen the first flake. The good part is we spent the day hanging out and getting ready for Christmas. Pretty much a lazy day that was needed by all.
Speaking with a friend last night about how hard it can be to step out and reach for help when we are down. As we sink down it seems like there is no way back up, but there always is a way out. Do you have someone that you can call no matter what, no matter where or when? Do not be afraid get help or at least speak to somebody who cares.

I'm going to counseling!!!!

Well, I finally did it. I made an appointment for next Tuesday and can't wait. Prayers for a good session would be appreciated. It is a huge relief to have this scheduled after flip-flopping for so long about it. I meet right in Hyde Park so that will be convenient.

Talking today with another sufferer about the problem of being a hoarder. I don't know if this is tied into the depressive personality or just some other quirky trait we happen to share. Any thoughts? I would love to get that under control in my life because I know how oppressive it can be at times. So much time and energy is wasted because of it and sometimes it contributes to my depression because I just get frozen in the effort to do something about the clutter. That just leads to more self-loathing and the cycle continues. Again, I am encouraged by the conversation though since now I can bring it more into light and maybe work towards dealing with it better.

Gloom, sha ka laka laka

Gloomy and overcast day but I did fine anyway. Great opportunity for setbacks today but somehow I plowed along and came out okay in the end. The problems didn't go away but the day ended and that was sufficient. We have to count our blessings as they come.

Finally went back to the gym tonight for the first time in a week and boy did I need it! I really have to make sure I keep that a priority. Gaining back the weight I had lost was not a good thing but at least I feel like I am still in better shape than I was before I started.

Looking forward to some sunshine again soon.

Keeping on to keep going

I find that the more I do the more I can do. Pretty simple, right? But getting started can be difficult and keeping going even harder. But we have to start. The first step is do-able and then maybe even the next. What first step are you too anxious or scared to try? Tell someone what it is so they can help you make that move.

Now that you're moving keep up the momentum and go even further! You might even finish the day with something positive to look back on, imagine that! We are full of possibilities that only we can unleash.

Good Day Sunshine

Okay, so maybe the sun isn't shining. But that doesn't mean we can't. Great adult Sunday School class today, so much interaction and witness by many makes me feel like all of the time is worth it. It just seems like more and more people are hungry for what He has to offer.

The slush and junky rain sounds terrible outside and I need to leave home in about a half hour so I am not looking forward to that. But I have a raincoat and a car so there really is nothing to grumble about. How we look at things really does make all the difference. Are you looking at the bright side of things or struggling to even look? Be strong and courageous, I know you can do it!

Read scripture in church today, all about joy and not just, boy do I feel good joy, but the kind of joy you get in receiving a blessing you do not deserve. The joy of our salvation! There are just so many good scriptures this time of year for us to find solace and strength in. Read His word, it is some really good stuff.

Tree's up!

Praise God, my son came home last night and helped me get the tree (14') into the stand today. Now I just have to get lights and ornaments and all of the rest of the decorations up. Went shopping tonight for gifts for a family we are helping this Christmas season. It always helps when I do stuff for others.

Very tired lately and that hasn't helped my attitude. Looking forward to reading scripture in church tomorrow. It is one way that I really feel used by God.

Made the first move towards counseling today, finally speaking to someone about getting it set up. Thanks to those who have encouraged me, pray that I follow through and do this thing. I know that right now this is the missing piece to helping me be better more consistently.

Sunshine beckons

Looking out the window at a beautiful clear crisp morning, I know that I need to get out in the sunshine a little today. As soon as I typed that a cloud came through and obscured the sun! Maybe that is just a sign to do the things I need to do now and not to wait because they might not be there when we are ready for them.

An interesting concept, sounds almost like carpe diem, seize the day, or in plain English, just do it! Now! What are those things that we are waiting for a better time to do? Whether they are good or bad things to do, I know that when I just get things done I feel so much better about myself.

I remember speaking with another guy who was putting together a correlation between depression sufferers and ADD (and it's many other forms) and how they seemed to be linked in some way. I certainly have issues with scattered thought processes which greatly impact my performance both as a worker, friend and family member. The other strange tie-in is with obsessive-compulsive traits. It seems that there are more and more things in my life that have to be "just so " or it bothers me, even to the point of stopping me in my tracks and causing me to have to force myself into action to overcome the obstacle, real or perceived. It can be as simple as which utensil I use to eat with. What is up with that? Thinking about Howard Hughes the other day and how when I was younger I just thought he was nuts and now I am beginning to think that he probably was suffering from depression and OCD, leading him into his reclusive life at a time when these things were far less understood and certainly less treatable. Imagine some of the amazing things he could have done had he received proper care.

A life well lived needs to be on track and if medical intervention is the answer, so be it!

Busyness

Monday and Tuesday were crammed schedules with little time to sit and relax. No time for internet, sorry. Things are alright, just pushing on hoping for relief.A friend texted me the other day about opening up communication again. A while back I just shut it down because I was feeling overwhelmed by stuff and unable to help him in his time of need. Really felt like I had let him down. Now he is reaching out and I need to respond so that I don't hurt him further.

As usual, when I get overloaded the people around me suffer the most and deserve it the least. Wish I could work that out better.

Lots of beautiful snow around, though even though it is raining now it won't wash it all away and I am thankful for that.

Oh Tannenbaum!

The ladies (wife, daughter and dog) and I went out and cut down our tree today and God provided a perfect day with some snow to make the dragging easier and really only two suitable trees for us to choose from so the final decision was easier. Now I just need a bunch of friends to help lift it into the stand. This is when I really miss the extra muscle of having the boys at home. Oh well, it will happen. Sunshine and snow were such a welcome sight.

Helped to serve communion today and really felt blessed to share that with others. The simplicity of the act often drives me to greater understanding. And looking people in the eye and explaining that Christ did this amazing thing for them never gets old.

Lately I have also gotten some great feedback from people about the adult Sunday school class my wife and I lead. The comments have really been uplifting and encouraging since sometimes I really wonder if we have any impact on peoples lives. With that in mind, try to tell people you care about what you think of them. Don't assume that they already know or that you said it before so it is done. We all need to be reminded that we are loved and important to others.

Let it snow!

Cold and dreary start to the day. Things just got better as the day went on. I love snow and as it started to flurry my spirit started to lift and then when it started to stick, yahoo! Everything just becomes so beautiful here with a fresh cover of snow.

Tomorrow we go for the tree and snow on the ground will make it perfect. Enjoy the things that make you happy and get together with people who make you smile. Sometimes the best way out of a rut is to just make a turn and hit the gas. Embracing life brings out the best in me.

And so it goes again

Today was not much different than yesterday. The weather in the morning was oppressive and weighing me down and there was so much to do but focus was difficult at times. Don't know if I accomplished much but I was trying.

Thinking more about pushing up my Dr appointment to check up on things.

Tried getting going by working out at the gym but the spirit just wasn't in it and I floundered for the hour or more that I was there. Being hard on myself for overeating lately but not doing anything about it. There is a tendency for me to eat compulsively when things are like this. I was being petty watching other people and getting upset if they weren't wiping down the machines and even wanted to tell on them. I find when I am struggling I just get so much more critical of others. It is not very pretty.

Perhaps I need to get in the Word more as I have been lax lately and that usually helps my demeanor.

Fast pace can be good and bad

The last two days have been very full with not much relief in site. Sometimes it works for the best when I am very busy, no time to get down, just keep plugging along. Others days it is a mess because it just amplifies my inability to make a decision or get going as the piles just get higher faster than ever.

These days have been the later as I type this out at 11pm with so much more to still do today before bed. If days were longer it would not mean more got done, just the piles got even higher. Go to go.

How quickly it changes

Yesterday started fine following a great holiday time with family and then before I knew it things were pressing in and I was feeling helpless and suffocated. Things were not working out and I began to freeze. I can't stand when that happens, you can almost seeing it coming but there does not seem to be a way to stop it. The smallest things become insurmountable. Things did improve last night spending sometime at an adult marriage study and thinking about how blessed I am with the wife that I have. I cannot imagine this road without her although she could probably imagine it without me when I am messed up.

Todays' gloom did not help but I was blessed to get a call from a friend who reminded me that the sun is still shining even when the clouds are out, we just have to get above our clouds to see it. Now I might have taken that the wrong way if I did not know that God had laid it on his heart to share that with me and it was the main reason he called. I thank God for friends and family who love me in spite of who I am.

Sometimes being loved is hard to accept. We feel unworthy and yet they continue. It is a glimpse at what Gods' love towards us is like, perfect and unbiased. Learning to let ourselves be loved is not easy but it is worth it. All of my dreams and aspirations are tied together with those who love me. And God loves me most and you too!

Looking outward, not inward

In our Adult Sunday School class today the discussion centered around doing for others. Some of the women were sharing their recent experience of serving Thanksgiving dinner at a local shelter/residence and what it had meant to them. The discussion turned to how we feel when we help others. These two women are older and do not have a lot of family around so the holiday times can be quite upsetting and lonely, but because of their service to others they avoided that trap and ended up sharing their own Thanksgiving dinner with each other.

As people who suffer, we know how debilitating loneliness can be. It is a trap that draws us downward into the gloom and leaves us feeling worthless or even worse, not feeling at all. There are times when we feel lonely even in a room full of people because of judgment and self-loathing. We will pull the mask tighter over our face to be certain that no one can see who we really are and hope beyond hope that we will not be called upon to join a conversation.

How we move forward is up to us. We need to challenge ourselves to do something, anything, in order to get started. Start with little things, small goals. Do something around the house that is achievable and then move on to something else and then with courage on to something for someone else. Can you pray? Can you write a note? How about a little bit of raking or shoveling for a neighbor ? Is that too much to ask? Each thing can be a stepping stone towards more ambitious ways to do things for others. When we get self absorbed everything goes out of balance and we suffer more. Prepare yourself for some small greatness by taking the first step today. Maybe you just need to get up, get a shower and dress that a big boy with no stretchy pants. It could be the start of something wonderful.

Time well spent

This weekend has been very good with plenty of time spent with family. The boys were all in town so we have been able to do some quality hanging out and just goofing around. Laughter is so good for me and when it just keeps coming the effect is just wonderful.

Have you laughed lately? Get around people that can do that for you, it can only help. I'm not just talking about a funny joke or two but people who honesty make you laugh 'til it hurts.

After that, get outside. A great walk today with my wife and dog really started the day off right, setting the stage for a good mood and opening me up to a day to remember.

Give Thanks.

I hoping that all is well with you today. Thanksgiving is always done well by our family and always has been. Good group of relatives with no agenda except to relax and enjoy the food and company. Today was no exception. If you are with others, thank God for them being in your life. If you are alone believe that there are people who care about you and if you need to reach out. Spoke yesterday with one of us who was upset because he hadn't called me back from a message I left a while ago. Let me throw this thought out and see what you think. Imagine that everybody who reads these is either a sufferer or a loved one. Now with that premise firmly established, we all know how hard we can be on ourselves for falling short on things we feel an obligation to do. Calling, writing, showing up places on time or at all, each can represent a major obstacle to feeling good about ourselves. Let's go back to our first premise and work from there. If we all understand the difficulty we face each day, sometimes with the most menial, mundane tasks then we should all agree to give free passes to everybody else. In other words, no score keeping, just acceptance. Haven't called or written? Today is a great day to do that. If you don't, maybe tomorrow would be fine too. My point is, this is someplace to give and receive grace. Not buy it or earn it, just receive it. May you be blessed beyond your wildest expectations.

Finished reading "Hike for Mike"

As previously promised, I will report on the book "Hike for Mike" that I just finally finished reading. The book was written by a guy whose brother-in-law had committed suicide after suffering with undiagnosed depression. The hike of the John Muir Trail in the Sierra's was done as way to bring awareness to depression sufferers and their families. Unfortunately, the bulk of the book is really just about hiking with a few references along the way to the reason for the hike. The authors' understanding of depression is rather simplified with often the comment being " if he had just gotten treatment for the depression he would have been fine". Now, we all know that being diagnosed does not mean we are all fixed and ready to go. Even with medication it is often a game of guess and guess again to try to find the right combination of drug and dosage. I don't want to downplay the importance of diagnosis but it really is only the beginning of a lifetime of treatment which may include meds., counseling or both with constant diligence required. This is often where our support system comes in. Allowing people to know about our condition is part of the plan towards a better, healthier life. When there are people in our lives who will ask the tough questions then we are less likely to stay in our lows. Remember to let someone in! People really do care but they can only help if we let them.

Sundays should be happy.

Real slow start today with just a cloud sort of hanging around me for no apparent reason. I functioned okay at church and leading Sunday School but it was kind of like I was an observer to the whole process. A little disconnected and out of touch would probably sum it up. Finally started to feel better in the afternoon when I had a very specific task, food shopping! The family went clothes shopping and I went on to Shoprite with a list in hand. Under the right conditions, this is something I really enjoy doing and today proved to be no exception. First off I love to eat and love to cook, couple that with an opportunity for me to see how much money I can save and we have a winner. Several hours and $250 later and I have enough food to last us all winter if need be and we then qualified for the free turkey! Yahoo! Got home and just focused on putting food away and then making dinner. I think one of the reasons I like cooking every night is it gives me a very quick return on my time investment. I am fairly good at it so success in the kitchen comes easily. Find something that you are good at and return to it as often as possible to give yourself the good feelings you deserve. Get up and go even when you think you can't.

Missing in action

Where have I been? When I started this blog one of my concerns was that I would start and then quit, disappointing myself and the two or three people who might actually be reading it. I am trying not to let that happen but sometimes it is a struggle to get going with it. Some rougher days this week with a difficult time getting focused, eventual successes but not without some considerable angst and self loathing. Thursday into Friday was a very difficult period with the weather really taking its' toll on my arthritic joints. My hands are still a mess but the rest of me seems to be coming along okay. Some thoughts on seasons, talking recently to a fellow sufferer and he was saying how the fall has always been a bad time of year for bouts of depression for him. For me, fall finally brings a time of some relief for me from the heat. Those of you who know me know that I struggle with heat all spring and summer and it is not until this time of year that I can finally slow down the sweating. What has this got to do with anything? Well it is hard to feel good about yourself when you are always sweating all over the place and embarrassing your friends and family. I know it shouldn't matter but come on, it can be downright disgusting! I find this time of year easier to be outside because of this and I really need to take advantage of it. Part of my mood change may have to do with missing gym workouts both on Tuesday and Thursday. I had a hard time getting up to go workout this morning and it was quite painful when I started, but I wound up getting at least a good half hour in on the bike. Got out tonight to be with a bunch of friends and that was great for my mind. Good friends can really make a difference about how I feel.

Arthritis connection

Sometimes we wonder where did the depression come from in the first place? For me the start basically co-insides with my first symptoms of a form of Reactive Arthritis known as Reiter's Syndrome. I was always a very active, strong guy who worked construction, excelled at sports and loved outdoor activities. My perception of who I was was wrapped up in the physical me. With the onset of the arthritis at the age of 38 along with 2 or 3 bouts with Lyme disease since then I began to rapidly decline both physically and mentally. Previously, I found no challenge too big to think I could not do it. I built my own Log Home at 24 with very little help and no electricity preferring to do most things the old-fashioned way, by hand with hand powered tools. Once I got sick this became an impossibility, with even the most ordinary task, like walking, becoming a tremendous challenge. After years of different treatments with a vast array of side effects, I am finally doing better with the arthritis but in the meantime my sense of self was destroyed. The doubt and self-loathing that come with depression had firmly established itself in my psyche and that is the real battle I fight now. It took awhile for me to connect the two illnesses but when I came to the realization that one had spawned the other it began to help me understand better. My real goal now is to reestablish confidence in who I am and how I want to be received by others. The shame that comes with depression has pushed me around long enough and it is time to claim my life back, with all of its' blessings. When depression is winning we loose sight of the good things because they are blocked by the clouds of deception and fear. Deception about the balance of good and evil in our lives and fear that the evil thoughts are true. It is a beautiful sunshiny day today and I will go out into it to get some energy. Consider talking out loud with somebody about your depression and maybe you can begin to find its' roots and start to deal with it that way.

On rest and sunshine

Slept in yesterday (8am!) went to church and then on to see my nephew play soccer. Even though it was cloudy on and off, the sun was sneaking through and felt good. Fresh air also helps, Get Outside! If you are stuck in neutral and can't seem to get going, try to find something that you can do to get you in touch with people. I was talking with a fellow sufferer and he is challenging himself to get up and out of the house. His first goal, to get to the local animal shelter and volunteer to at least walk dogs and possibly other things he is not even aware of. His second goal, to see if some of the skills he has can translate into an Adult Ed. course at a local school. What can you do that could bring you one step closer to interacting and feeling better about yourself?

Dreary weather good friends, great day

Drizzling all day but there was a silver lining. We had some friends over for dinner and some games and it gave my day purpose. Planning and preparing food, cleaning and set up the table, making sure the house is hospitable and then enjoying the fruits of my labor. Just good company and good food so good and so normal The gloom lost today.

Just like us, Noah needed hope too!

Week of November 13

When You Are Low on Hope
by Max Lucado

Water. All Noah can see is water. The evening sun sinks into it. The clouds are reflected in it. His boat is surrounded by it. Water. Water to the north. Water to the south. Water to the east. Water to the west. Water.

He sent a raven on a scouting mission; it never returned. He sent a dove. It came back shivering and spent, having found no place to roost. Then, just this morning, he tried again. With a prayer he let it go and watched until the bird was no bigger than a speck on a window.

All day he looked for the dove's return.

Now the sun is setting, and the sky is darkening, and he has come to look one final time, but all he sees is water. Water to the north. Water to the south. Water to the east. Water to the ...

You know the feeling. You have stood where Noah stood. You've known your share of floods. Flooded by sorrow at the cemetery, stress at the office, anger at the disability in your body or the inability of your spouse. You've seen the floodwater rise, and you've likely seen the sun set on your hopes as well. You've been on Noah's boat.

And you've needed what Noah needed; you've needed some hope. You're not asking for a helicopter rescue, but the sound of one would be nice. Hope doesn't promise an instant solution but rather the possibility of an eventual one. Sometimes all we need is a little hope.

That's all Noah needed. And that's all Noah received.

Here is how the Bible describes the moment: "When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf!" (Gen. 8:11 NIV).

An olive leaf. Noah would have been happy to have the bird but to have the leaf! This leaf was more than foliage; this was promise. The bird brought more than a piece of a tree; it brought hope. For isn't that what hope is? Hope is an olive leaf—evidence of dry land after a flood. Proof to the dreamer that dreaming is worth the risk.

Don't we love the olive leaves of life?
"It appears the cancer may be in remission."
"I can help you with those finances."
"We'll get through this together."
What's more, don't we love the doves that bring them?
Perhaps that's the reason so many loved Jesus.

To all the Noahs of the world, to all who search the horizon for a fleck of hope, he proclaims, "Yes!" And he comes. He comes as a dove. He comes bearing fruit from a distant land, from our future home. He comes with a leaf of hope.

Have you received yours? Don't think your ark is too isolated. Don't think your flood is too wide. Receive his hope, won't you? Receive it because you need it. Receive it so you can share it.

Love always hopes. "Love ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Cor. 13:4-7 NKJV, emphasis mine).

This was sent to me today and I thought it was the perfect thing to share with everyone. I am praying that each of you has hope for the future, even if that future is only 5 minutes from now. Keep looking ahead and set doable goals to move forward. Paul

How bad does it hurt?

Watching the news last night about the hostage event in Pine Plains had me on edge. What was driving this guy to his actions? At the 11 o'clock news they alluded to the gunman having lost his medical coverage, which resulted in him no longer taking medication for....... you guessed it! Depression. How close are we to a catastrophic event in our lives? I certainly have seen a very dark side of myself when I go off of my drugs. We need to keep our selves in check and give others permission to do so also. Our judgment becomes skewed and logic can go right out the window. Before we know we too can be on the front page of the paper or even worse, in the Obit's. Call a friend or loved one who suffers and check up on them, letting them know that you care or even to share a tough place that you are in right now. Never believe the lie that you are alone, or that there is no hope. Things may be bad (real or perceived) but they can get better, especially if we reach out for help.

Back in the saddle again

Felt okay this morning and went to work. It didn't take long for me to get tired out, but I did get some stuff done so that felt good. Almost raked some leaves when I got home but sat down instead and didn't get up until it was time to make dinner. Went to the gym while Rach was at dance but really couldn't get into that either. Hopefully sleep will come soon.

Knocked down but not out!

Woke up this morning with the runs went to work and things were only getting worse, finally started getting chills and decided to cut my loses and head home. Arrived safely and passed out for most of the day until family came home. Everyone is at church now so I am watching a Christian video and trying to keep my spirits up.

From A+ to D- in such a short time

All of my life growing up I was a very positive person, in fact I even have A+ blood type! I would always assume the best out of any situation and expect nothing less. Some may have called me lucky because more often than not things would go my way. I credited much of my success to having a great attitude and always expecting things to work out. All I needed to do was supply enough energy into the thing and I could do what ever it was regardless of the apparent facts. And then the depression came and I wonder if it is possible to do the most minor of tasks without being sidelined by some tiny obstacle or mishap. Now I can do the smallest thing wrong and my immediate reaction is to throw my hands up and give up. It has become so difficult to plow through things that are in the way that I simply retreat and try to go into hiding hoping that it will somehow take care of itself, which it inevitably does not do. That leaves me with an even lower assessment of my worth making it even more difficult to face the next task. Self fulfilling prophecy is one of our trademarks that we battle daily.

Good weather Good vibes

What a beautiful day! Spent a good chunk of the afternoon outside in the crisp air and sunshine. Being busy in this kind of weather is the best drug ever! Topped off with Ty coming home today for the weekend. Might take Ty on the Walkway Over the Hudson tomorrow. Last week I went over with Rosy and the ladies and it was very good for me and my attitude. Make sure that you are taking advantage of the good weather when you can since it is supposed to be another great day. We have to tip the scales in our favor through diet, sleep, exercise and medication. So call someone you know who is suffering and get them out there with you. You will both benefit and the world will be a better place because of it. The world of course is what we make of it and as you know we can change it from perfect to poison in short order. Make it a great day by just getting started. And then do the next thing followed by the next and before you know it it will be over and you will have survived to smile again.

Keep reaching out

I have tried to be true to this call God has put on my heart. To move forward on depression I must continue to be up front and transparent about it in my life. Some people are still coming up to me about my witnessing about my depression in church. A clear reminder that God is in the process. Step out and speak to someone else, it's really okay. How many people that we know are suffering silently because they believe they are all alone? Are you the one to open the door to healing and restoration?

Help is never too far away

Stay connected! A friend called today looking for some encouragement and I was there for him. Did I fix anything ? No, but hopefully he felt better when it was all done, I know that I did. Meanwhile I was encouraged by today's comment on the blog. Yesterday I treated some people poorly because I was on edge and was loosing control. Even though I recognize it after a while it is still hard to get out of my own way. I wonder at the damage I do when I am not mentally right. How often will people put up with me? One guy in particular always seems to be around when I meltdown and I am certain he must think that I am nothing but a big jerk. How many times can you say you are sorry before people just stop listening or caring?

Another day

The pattern seems to be repeating itself, with a general slowdown towards late morning while trying to get restarted. Sometimes I'm just tired of it always being right there looming in the distance as I wonder when it will overwhelm me. Activity helps but sometimes it is just not enough. Right now I am so frustrated by my computer. Trying to pay my phone bill on line and nothing seems to be working so I called instead and after a thousand prompts I still couldn't do it and hung up completely frustrated. Due tomorrow! My level of anxiety is through the roof right now and I don't know how I'll even get to sleep.

Beautiful day, clouded thoughts

What a beautiful day, bright sunshine, warmth on my face so why was I so powerless? Day was going okay reasonably productive and then when faced with some minor decisions I began to feel overwhelmed, wanted to just go hide and sleep. Again, it was late morning when these thoughts started up. A few more days of this and I definitely have to speak with my doctor about what is going on here. I took early lunch to go sit in the sunshine outside and it still was so difficult to get restarted. Things just seem to swirl around in my mind and freeze me in place with no apparent hope for resolution. Struggled to get back on task with some success.

Onward and upward

Went for a walk on the Walkway Over the Hudson today and it was magnificent. Lots of sunshine and fresh air was key today and I am feeling pretty good. Went with friends and just enjoyed the view, the company, the weather and the exercise. Got some leaves raked when I got home, made dinner, did laundry and things are well. Got up later today so I wonder if that helped the meds last longer into the day. Still trying to see if maybe I need to have some adjustments made.

Her we go again

Today was so much like yesterday it was scary. Right around noon I was overwhelmed with gloom and was having great difficulty shaking it. I became overheated and just wanted to go hide somewhere and sleep. Fortunately, it was a brisk day outside and I just disappeared for a little while and walked around in the breeze trying to get up the courage to get back in to work. Finally, I went back in and just pushed through to get some stuff done. On the way home I was trying to understand what is going on and I wondered if perhaps my meds just start wearing off too soon. I will have to try to pay close attention to cause and effect to try to help myself be better more consistently.

Watching after ourselves

Today was interesting, good start, strange middle, strong finish. I was having a reasonably productive day and then all of a sudden I went into doubt and slowdown. The demons were dancing in my head and I was getting sucked into it. I started to come up with excuses as to why I couldn't possibly do any more and how the rest of the day was pretty much shot. And then I realized what was happening and tried to stop the madness. I set a very small goal for myself, accomplished it to my surprise and then moved on to another task and before I knew it I forgot that "the day was shot" and moved on to bigger and better things eventually having gotten more done than I had ever anticipated. The moral for me was that I need to be ever vigilant about my own mental health. I have to pay attention to the small signs of things going south and identify them for what they are, lies. Lies that derail us from productive, healthy lives. I finished the day at the gym and that really felt good, exercise has really been helpful for my attitude.

Learning to say no

One of the problems that I have is not saying no when asked to do stuff. As a result I often end up over committed, leaving things undone or not done well. This often feeds the depression because I feel like I've let people down again and then get overwhelmed with that feeling of worthlessness which causes me to retreat even more and accomplish even less and feel even worse. Today I think I did one of the healthiest things I have done in a long time. I said no. Rather than commit to one more thing I really was trying to listen to God as to my purpose in this thing. He gave me the peace to just say no and not be upset about disappointing others. I still have plenty to do and maybe I will even get some of it done. I have to remember that just because something is good it does not mean it is something that God wants me to do.

Some we have to do what God asks

Yesterday was interesting. I had been asked earlier in the week to do a "witness moment" which we do occasionally during church service. During the week I was coming up with some great thoughts and I was sure that I had this thing nailed. Then I woke up Sunday morning with a sick feeling in my gut that said I needed to share my depression with the congregation. Yikes, come on God you have got to be kidding! After the service several people came up to me to share that they also were "silent sufferers" and appreciated my bringing it out into the open. It is becoming so much easier to do this and I am feeling so much better because of it. There really is safety in numbers. Today I was encouraged to touch base by phone with a couple of other guys who suffer too, and it really felt good to be looking outside of myself to others. The great sunshine didn't hurt either.

What's the deal on counseling?

One thing that I have not spoken about is counseling, Christian or otherwise. I know that people speak about the benefits but I have never gone. It is weird but somehow I feel like it is the last thing that stands between me and fully admitting that I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression. I need to repeat it and know that it is okay. Maybe this is time to finally make the step that my wife has been asking me to do for way too long now. I suffer from depression. I said it again and it is okay. Anybody go to counseling? What do you do, just walk in and say "Hi, I'm Paul, I suffer from depression, nice couch, what's your name?"? I suffer from depression. At least I can say it here and be okay. It's time to make the next step, thanks for listening.

From small to explosive in a moment

The day started off like so many, small problems wanting to become full blown impossibilities. I fought the desire to get enraged over a slow car in front of me and the fact that I was running late because I just lost all focus for awhile until it was ten minutes later and I was just standing there. Being upset with myself just seems to run into trying to find fault with others to divert the truth from me. I appreciated the weather again today and the gentle nudge from my wife actually got me to rake part of the lawn and feel good about it. We have joined Planet Fitness and are using the times that my daughter goes to dance as windows of opportunity to workout. The result is that I am feeling better, losing weight and sleeping better. If we can keep it up I may be on to something! So far I have even lost 7 pounds and that was something I really needed to address. Turning 50 needs to be an incentive as opposed to even more depressing.

Feeling healthier

Lately I am feeling much better with fewer lost moments. The things that have changed recently include; much more exercise, some great sunny days and taking better care of my diet. How each of them effects me is not always clear but right now I do not want to change anything. I am sleeping better as a result which always makes me feel better. I even showered because I wanted to! Those around me must be enjoying me more as a result. Or at least they do not have to stand back as much. What on earth drives us to do the things that we do, when it is so clear what the impact is to our lives. Each negative behavior spawns another and the spiral begins, feeding itself on our doubts and increasing self loathing. I just started reading a book "A Hike for Mike" about depression awareness and will report in when I have finished it. A good Christian sister gave it to me and really presented it with love. I am hopeful to glean some good stuff from it. I think the more we stretch ourselves to learn during the good times the easier it may be to make it through to tough times.

Some inspiration?

When I think of what God has done for me all through my life I wonder how I can be depressed. But that does not make my depression any less real. I need to refrain from judging myself too harshly because that only makes things worse. I know that God is real and has shown Himself to me in so many different ways and times and I can take comfort in that. Christian friends can be such a blessing, especially when they are just there for you without any agenda. Being there for someone else helps because it always improves how I am feeling about myself.

Hits and misses

Sorry about the last two days, very busy and tired. I have heard from several of you guys about problems with commenting on the blog site. I don't know what the problem is but sometimes I am not able to post a follow up comment either. If any of you are techno geeks who could unravel this mystery it would be greatly appreciated. Sending me an e-mail instead is always appropriate also. With that said, I would love to have anyone send out any other ideas, questions or comments. I appreciate the comments about foods that we eat and how they affect us mentally. There is so much crap in our food that interactions are always possible. Whenever I can, I try to cook using raw or frozen foods that have been minimally processed, I just do not pay enough attention to really see how things tie together. as it relates to my depression. Today's sunshine was wonderful and I kept trying to get out into it. Pray for others who are suffering, especially those who suffer alone.

Food, that should get your attention!

Food can be good and good for you! I wonder some times how much my diet effects the way I feel. It seems like the better I eat, the better I feel and the better I feel the more I feel like doing something and the more active I am the more positive I feel. Whew! Eating well is not that hard but if you are like me food is about so much more than nourishment. I often turn to food when I am depressed and then make poor choices that leave me feeling guilty and still unsatisfied. Meanwhile I have emptied the pantry. When I look for comfort in food instead of people I almost always end up still wanting something more.

Partnering

Events of recent days for me are just pointing to the importance of partnering. Without some people around us it is easy to get lost and not seek help. We need to give some people permission to ask the tough questions about how we are really feeling and the like. Now that I have started this blog it has become much easier to talk to other people about my depression. When things don't look well for me I can tell one of you guys and you won't try to fix it but you will understand. Sometimes well meaning people want to talk you out of your funk and give you all the reasons why you should be happy and I know that that usually just causes me to shut down more. It is not just a matter of being happy instead of sad, it is so deep and troubling that I often struggle to figure out why I am feeling the way I am. Because of the people that I have shared my depression with, I now feel that I don't have to explain things all of the time but I can say "Today is a bad day" and they know enough just to be there. Many of you are that person for me because you are fellow sufferers and realize how I am feeling and why it is so hard to express. If you are reading this and you do not have somebody to open up to and share this with then I suggest that you try to find someone that you can first tell that you suffer from depression so that they can begin to understand and then let them know that they can check up on you at any time to see if things are manageable. When we allow others in it broadens our safety net, giving us the chance for recovery before we go to far down.

One fine day

Today was good. Back on my meds and feeling the difference. Better thoughts and clearer thinking. I was wondering about a bad habit I have and whether or not this happens to any one else. I have long been a nail-biter but it seems like it has progressed into hand eating. When stress is up or I am off of my drugs I chew my cuticles off and literally tear away pieces until I bleed. This cannot be normal and I was just wondering if it was common or just another freak show attribute I have. Half of the time I don't even know that I am doing it.

More about meds

First I have to say thanks to the guys who spoke to me today to encourage me about taking care of my meds. I have them now along with a great sense of relief. If you go off your drugs you really do not know what the consequences might be. It is not worth it. What amazes me is how quickly the symptoms can come on once you stop. Headaches and irritability are quick to show up for me and the possibility of spiraling out of control is very real. In the past there were times when I thought I was ready to stop taking my pills and each time it met with very bad results. One time it was close to six months and my family was in a constant state of concern and fear because dad was out of control. Ah, yes, building memories! I sometimes wonder what they talk about when I am not around. It is probably interesting to say the least.

Meds, beds and dreads

My one prescription was running out last week and after using the auto-fill on the phone I find out that there were no refills left and then I promptly forgot and then by Saturday I had run out completely. Leaving before 8 am yesterday left no time to get it filled and now I am suffering headaches and some wonderful anxiety and edginess because of it. I barely slept last night because of it and now I wonder what tonight will bring. By the time we got back today it was too late to get a hold of the Dr. so here we go again. When will I learn to take care of the important things so that the other things will take care of themselves. I'm just hoping I don't melt down on my family before I get this taken care of. Meanwhile, the days spent in the city with my wife were wonderful because she is so special and understanding. Hold tight to the ones who will love you and try not to make it too hard on them.

It's dark out but the sun is coming

It is an easy metaphor today as I sit in the pre-dawn typing this. Just a touch of light beginning to show. The sun will come and the darkness will fade away. How many times do I forget that reality? Almost like a little kid scared of the monsters at night, I can be gripped by the fear of the unknown while the goodness of the known is veiled in the darkness of my depression. I only get better when I do something, anything, to get going, to overcome the frozen moments brought on by the fear. Today we head to the city and there is so much potential for a good time I just pray that I don't screw it up. Get up and do something, start by moving forward or contacting someone to say it is a tough day and let them help you get started. Doing this right now is getting me excited about the possibilities of this day!

Dreary days dreary thoughts

A misty, rainy, drizzly day with no hope for sunshine. It is the perfect recipe for a down day. Two phone calls from others and I was encouraging them instead of focusing on myself and it made all of the difference. It just shows me that doing things for others helps us as we shift from an inward concentration to an outward one. Got home to a happy dog and two beautiful women who seemed to sense that I was in a funny place and they just loved me. Have you reached out to someone else lately? Maybe they need to feel useful today.

To sleep perchance to dream. Ah there's the rub!

Sometimes everything is too big and seems endless. During those times I will often succumb to a case of unavoidable exhaustion. That is where the sleep comes in, I don't know if it is because I have not been sleeping or if I am just sleeping to get away from everything. The most frustrating part about it is it then brings an enormous load of guilt with it. Either I have fallen asleep at work and the piles have just gotten larger or the home projects or family concerns have been set aside because "daddy's tired". What a joke! Tired from doing nothing and trying to figure out how to make it look like I accomplished even the most minor task. Frustration, guilt, exhaustion, frustration, guilt, exhaustion a sometimes seemingly endless cycle occasionally broken by a "good" day. Whatever that is anymore. Talked with a friend (follower) today and that was a great boost. His feedback is caring me through this posting right now. I will continue and I will get better.

All is not always as it appears

Beautiful day today. After the crummy start it was a classic fall day with plenty of sunshine, colors and a great breeze that should have made everything seem alive. Somehow, it did nothing for me and it was a torturous struggle most of the day. Even stopped on the way home to try to get some exercise and sun by climbing Burger Hill in Rhinebeck and it all just kind of seemed surreal, as if I was just watching someone else. The views were fantastic, I suppose, but everything seemed to be veiled and dull to me. As hard as I was trying, I just did not break through. Melancholy is the only word that fits how I feel right now and the worst part is there does not seem to be any trigger for it.

The darkest secret

I have been struggling since starting this blog with how to deal with what I call "The Darkest Secret". Only after talking with "one of us" today did I finally get the courage to put this in print. You know what I am going to say but I have to say it anyway, like so many of you, I have had moments when I thought the only good answer to life was to end it. There, I have said it. Again, this is a case of understanding that I do not think that it is a good idea or even something that I currently consider. I do however remember the calmness with which I had contemplated it. Please understand that it is "NOT AN OPTION", but do not think that you are alone for having had the thought. One purpose of this blog is to shed some light into some very dark places and they don't get much darker than this. Not being alone in this will help keep these thoughts away. Connect with someone who cares and do not let go!

The bottom looks familiar

It did not take long for today to start to crash and burn. Frustrated by my lack of decision making I started to retreat and spiral downward. Trying to avoid confrontation just had me bottling it up and shutting down, Fortunately, I could sense what was happening and forced myself to try to move forward. Thinking of yesterday seemed to help and before you know it I was bordering on productive. I guess what is so hard to manage is the anger that just seems to ride under the surface, waiting for an opening to show its' ugly head. I wonder sometimes how people put up with me when I am like that. Walked the dog and played with her when I got home and that was good. Beautiful sunshine again helped. Things seem okay now.

Meeting with others

Sorry about yesterday, way too busy. Today was a great example of how meeting with others who suffer has great benefits. I was at a wonderful event where several other guys that are dealing with depression were. Getting to talk with them on really informal terms was great, since we all knew each others "secret" we didn't have to beat around the bush but got right into checking in with each other. There is so much freedom in knowing that you are not alone. No hemming and hawing. To each of you that I saw today, thanks for being so open about speaking and keeping me updated. This was a lesson for me to be proactive about getting some face time with you guys because it makes such a difference in my attitude. One guy shared about being upset with himself for getting there late because today was a real struggle to get anything going. But I say, GREAT JOB for not letting a poor start determine your day. I was blessed because you made it! We have to grab the small victories and see them for what they are, successes. Any move forward is forward motion! All this to say, if you are alone in your depression try to reach out to somebody. We are not weird or quirky or odd, we are sick and people who are sick need to find some help and that starts with sharing your struggle with someone. It might be a Dr. or family member or friend but it needs to be somebody.

Where does God fit in?

Bear with me today since this is the first time I have tried cutting and pasting something in. A good friend and fellow believer has been sending me various devotional messages almost weekly for years now and he happened to send one this morning. I found it fitting for this blog, but you can let me know. For me, one of the greatest struggles I have with depression is understanding God's part in it. But we are not called to understand but to be understanding. Is it good that I suffer from depression? Of course not! Can God bring good out of this misery? Of course! I am challenged to see how I can be an instrument of God when I don't think that I have anything to offer. I know, we all have something to offer, but remember depression is not about truth but about our distorted perception of truth and our own value as a person. When we are down it is extremely difficult to see anything redeemable about ourselves. Today I'm okay but a little melancholy and don't really know why. I'll take the beagles for a run now and see if that improves things.



The Secret Things

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE

"The secret things belong unto the Lord our God……"
(Deuteronomy 29:29, AMP)

TODAY'S WORD

Are you going through a situation in your life that you don't quite understand? During these seasons, it's natural to question things in your mind. But during these uncertain times, it's important to continue to put your trust in God.

We have to remember, God's ways are not our ways, and we don't always understand what He is trying to do in our lives. The Bible tells us that adversity will come, but God is the one who promises to lead us into victory.

Serving God means we're going to have some unanswered questions. You may never understand why a relationship ended sooner than you would have liked. You may never understand why you lost a loved one. You may never understand why you went through something difficult or why your prayers didn't get answered. But at some point, you have to decide to put your questions aside and go on with God. We have to decide to trust His character even when our circumstances don't make sense. Remember, He has promised He's going to turn that difficulty around and use it for your advantage. He is faithful to His Word, and you can be sure that He will fulfill every promise He's made to you.

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

"Father God, I choose to trust You with my unanswered questions. I choose to release any doubt and confusion to You. Help me to focus on Your Word which is truth that sets me free. Thank You for Your goodness and for the blessings You have in store for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen."

How alone are you?

As I write today, I am feeling like I should re-emphasize the need to find somebody to share your reality with. Depression triumphs when it separates us from people, especially family and other loved ones. I have moved forward recently I think mainly because I have shared with other sufferers and there is so much comfort being able to just say to them "Today is a bad day" and they don't ask questions, they just understand. If you are struggling to let someone else know, perhaps you could start by sharing it here. I don't know who you are and you can keep it that way if you want. Last night I spoke with a dear friend who is also a sufferer and just being with him lifted my spirits. I spoke to him about doing this blog because I was looking for input from him and he is one of the main reasons I started doing this because of his comforting influence as a Christian brother. So far I have accomplished some things today and it feels great. The paperwork pile is a little smaller and not quite as daunting. I also just took Rosie and Ruby (aka the beagles) for a run in the sunshine and it felt great to be out and active. It was only about 10 minutes but it has made a great difference already.

It could be a better day

Things at work are going off the tracks but somehow I am unfazed by it. This blogging actual seems to be helping me. Some thoughts on good days and bad days. There are times when I seem completely unable to accomplish the most trivial task and I sit almost frozen in my chair, The To-Do pile looming nearby and growing larger as I wait. What is that all about? I know I have to do it but somehow I disconnect and do nothing, which of course just adds to the feeling of uselessness and despair. Despair seems like a strong word but what else would you call it? I tend to care so little about myself at that time that I even give up good grooming and often will not shower or shave for no apparent reason. How difficult that is for my family as dad kind of looks like a bum and feels like one too. I always feel better when I get cleaned up but still don't know what stops me from doing it.

And on we go

Just so many thoughts running through my head now that I have started this. First, will I really continue or is this just something else I will start with enthusiasm and end with lack of commitment and the utter feeling of having let people down, again. Also, I have been thinking about things that are hard to accept when the depression really strikes especially trite expressions such as "Let go and let God" or "What have you got to be sad about, look at your beautiful ( fill in the blank: wife, family, kids, dog, house, cars, whatever)" Of course, the people sharing these comments are usually friends or family members who do not suffer and have no understanding of how ridiculous that all sounds. I think the ultimate was being told by a family member to "Just suck it up!". In light of the above, I will try my best not to pass on any similar sayings but to just pass on things that may have helped me recently such as a certain scripture. Now, sometimes that even comes across as trite when perhaps somebody gives you a list of "anti-depression" scriptures designed to fix you and move you on your way. These people are well meaning but just do not have the experience of being who you are right now at this time. Now, I am the first to believe in the power of Gods' Holy Word but I believe that the timing is His and the mere reading of scriptures for a quick fix is not the same as being moved by the Spirit towards a certain passage. Enough said on that. The sun is shining again today and I hope to get my face out into it for a little while. I find that sunshine, literally on my face, can really change things for me that day. If you have not experienced that, I urge you to give it a try. It might be the vitamin D our body needs or it just might feel really good. If you are office bound during the day, try to get out for a short break or at least step out during lunch and point your face towards the sun and soak it in. Walking in the sunshine is even better as I know when I physically do stuff that also helps.

First Day Continued

I realized there was not much to chew on here and decided to add some more stuff. The truth about my depression is that it is often unpredictable and what had no effect on me one day sends me spiraling downward the next. I have to be careful that I remember to always take my medication because the effects can sneak up on me and the ones who are harmed the most are my family. You know you have done it again when you see the hurt feeling in their eyes and you have no answer for your senseless behavior. How often do we struggle with an answer when someone says what did you do today? I bite my lip when people ask "How are you doing?" and the last thing they want to know is, "How are you doing?". I quietly slide on the mask of Christian contentment and merely say "Fine, and you?". The deceit of ourselves and others is probably most troubling because it eventually causes the most havoc in my life. Often what strikes me is that during a conversation I am disconnected and don't really pay attention. After being asked about my kids or wife, I rarely remember to ask about the other person's life. How often do people walk away after talking with me and wonder if I heard a single word they were saying? How ridiculous is it that I will sometimes blowup at people over the most mundane and trivial things but when things have true meaning or importance I shut down and run away from the risk of decision making or responsibility. I had better stop there for today before I run on incoherently for hours (instead of just the few minutes so far!).

The First Day

Good morning world. The sun is starting to shine bright and taking the chill off of the morning here. I hope that it will also warm up my day. It has been a great weekend with my niece's wedding and all of my kids being home. I am definitely on an upswing and enjoying life right now. How are you handling today? My prayer today is that this blog will be of use to someone somewhere. Since I have never done this before please have patience with me as this thing evolves, hopefully with plenty of input from others. If you are alone in your depression I urge you to share the truth with at least one other person to start the process of healing. If you just know someone who is suffering then perhaps you can send them to this blog as a chance to start something new.